Sometimes we forget how old our favourite films are. That is, of course, until you reach the plot point that could easily be rectified by the main character whipping out their smartphone and calling/texting/sat-naving their way to safety.
You bounce up and down on the sofa, spraying snacks over the family pet and screaming at screen: "Just use your freakin’ phone!" Then your mate reminds you that they didn’t have mobile phones back then, while you sheepishly pull popcorn out of the cat’s ear.
To prevent any further aggro, we take a look at how our favourite flicks would have been a lot shorter, if only the main character had a mobile in their pocket.
Both films would have been considerably shorter had the McCalisters equipped their son with his own mobile, especially after that unfortunate storm blew down the phone lines. Although a smartphone in Kevin’s hands would probably be used as the component for some kind of remotely operated booby trap.
Lord of the Rings
“One does not simply walk into Mordor” says Sean Bean’s Boromir during the first Rings movie. These are wise words indeed, but they’re then followed by what feels like 186 hours of two small hairy people trying to walk into Mordor. Surely they could have fired up Uber and booked themselves a giant eagle or something?
It’s any babysitter’s worst fear – David Bowie in a pair of freakishly tight tights kidnaps your kid, and challenges you to rescue him from a giant labyrinth. This is an especially tricky endeavour when you have all manner of weirdos and muppets pointing you in the wrong direction. With Google Maps, you could get there in double quick time, and even pick up a pair of trousers for Bowie en route.
As southern simpleton Forrest Gump sits waiting for a bus to his high-school sweetheart’s home, he relays his rambling life story to unfortunate passers-by. It’s only when we’re up to speed that a kindly old lady tells him the house he wants is just round the corner. A quick call to Jenny would certainly have saved those poor folk at the bus-stop from having their ears chewed off.
In this movie, Marion Crane makes the poor decision of checking into the sinister Bates Motel, where events quickly take a turn for the worst. If she’d taken a moment to view hotel scores on Trip Advisor however, she’d have surely been dissuaded from the place after reading one-star user reviews of the creepy owner, and quickly found a suitable alternative.
The Breakfast Club
In this 80s classic, a handful of teens spend detention together one Saturday morning. During their confined proximity, they joke, argue, banter and engage in entertaining and emotional hi-jinks. Transported to the 21st century, the entire film would have consisted of five youngsters sitting around a table ignoring each other and playing on their phones. Yawn.
Romeo and Juliet
One of the oldest dramas in the English language would have a slightly different ending if the star-crossed lovers both had a phone in their pocket. Even the 90s remake came to soon for mobile technology to save them. A quick text from Romeo to let Juliet know he was going to fake his death, and not to do anything stupid in the meantime would have made the proceedings a lot less boo-hoo.
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